Sequin teen, Nostalgia queen

When I saw my new neurology Specialist last week, she gave me a trial run of some other muscle relaxants that I have tried before and it made me extremely tired. She was unwilling to restart me on my baclofen because I had already been through withdrawals. She was actually pretty nice to me and we went through everything I had already tried and everything I was currently doing to prevent and treat my chronic migraines. This is actually the first provider who even asked if I tried CBD and I explained I seem to need more than the average person. I didn’t use the muscle relaxants for the first few days then my muscle spasms returned.

I had a few days of really bad pain and I was stuck in bed. Then I actually started working out on a ball later that same night trying to strengthen up my abdominal muscles to hold up my weak back. I now feel my abs deep under my fat. They’re activating!

I felt like a log. Most days I Have to tell myself out loud to just get up. I was using my weights and kept thinking of all the strength I could potentially gain which isn’t a tremendous amount because even when I was super fit i wasn’t that strong but it’s more than I have now.

I had blocked the number from my old clinic and I got a voicemail because unfortunately blocking doesn’t block someone from leaving a voicemail. Apparently my former crud covered provider wants me to come and be seen by her! That was when I finally did it, something I have not done even though I’ve been so thoroughly mistreated by El Rio. From being given a heat stroke when I was severely anemic to being turned away for a medical emergency in the middle of a pandemic. Providers canceling with short notice, or not running the tests I asked them to, no results ever given and then my long-term medication being cut off. I was going to let it go. I really was until that voicemail just made my heart race so much I couldn’t believe that I was being treated like this again. They reminded me of the shitty service I received when I just wanted a new provider at a new place and never think of El Rio again! She already put me through literal physical torture of my body when it didn’t have the medication anymore and she thinks a few weeks later she supposed to see me for… what?!

Honestly I’ve been too tired to feel. Just no emotions all because I only feel lethargy and pain. So even though I had my resolve to leave that clinic I made a complaint with my insurance about this providers action. It probably won’t do anything but I just want it on record what a cunt this woman is. If she did this to me so very easily there’s probably some other person she has wronged.

So that was this week but last week I had a few good days of thrifting. I started reading my favorite series as a teen and even though I see the flaws in it now I really want those outfits that the characters are wearing. So as well as trying to find suitcases to pack up my already already existing mountain of clothes, I was searching for early 2000s era club outfits. Well I found out how itchy some sequin shirts really are I couldn’t find More drape neck tops or items that would actually fit me. I even saw some boots that look like Nancy’s from The Craft but they didn’t fit me–my calves were too fat.

So that created new piles of clothes, books, DVDs, blankets and suitcases to fill the house. I buy Exercise DVDs wherever I find them cuz I’m so sure that I can get back into it. Yet everyday when I look at it and I feel that horrible pain in my back or my head and I’m frustrated with my body for not cooperating in my quest to become healthier.

After trying a few diets years ago to lessen my pain I finally figured out I should try an anti-inflammatory diet. At first I was just looking for food that can boost my immunity since I fight chronic allergies and constant infections, I found out that I should have been trying this the whole time. So I’m doing research and getting books about this kind of diet so I can try it. I already cut down my salt because of my hypertension and soda because of the type two diabetes that runs in my family. My mom and I are actually the lucky ones despite how many gallons of soda we used to drink everyday.

Maybe I just got on a shopping high. I keep reading about the cute outfits and how glamorous the characters are. I know I’m fat I don’t wear makeup or bother with my hair anymore but it is fun to imagine I could look like that quote unquote sexy beautiful goddess in the book.

I remember being more stable and grownup when I was a teen. Or maybe my days are just so foggy I have a big fog over all my twenties and still am in my teens.

That’s as much as I should do because I’m reading in bed between sedative induced daytime naps. Or rather rereading actually because I read these years ago. I have trouble remembering I’m not a teenager anymore. I Actually cried once when I was 17 (before my health deteriorated) and then after being 21 and heavily medicated, I cried all the time. Recently I started wondering if all the medication stunted my emotional growth and made me this immature irrational brat with emotional outbursts in front of people. I put up with being bullied (from students, neighbors, and teachers) and quietly accepted it, but as a grownup I just can’t take it when someone says/does something I disagree with or blatantly insults me. Could all the overmedication actually have made me go through puberty in my twenties and I can never get out of it?

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