This is the same corner.
I have struggled cleaning my room. It took about a week to pack up, organize some And rearrange my sparse furniture. I pushed my bed months ago to the other side but it left piles of clothes shoes and books mostly.
I have been telling myself and starting to clean. Been three years since it was organized. I have had two garment racks break from the weight of my clothes and recently disassembled my 80 spaced shoe rack since that took up too much room. My shoes are as follows:
- Under my bed
- In storage boxes
- A plastic shoe organizer.
- In a suitcase
- In purses
- In my dresser
I have various excuses. Pain, allergies, asthma, “I need all this stuff right now” mentality. Despite tripping regularly, losing things, never being able to be ready in time, I just let it get worse. Or I’d start and not finish.
Last Wednesday I cried. I usually don’t. It hurts my head. I have regular period emotions. I am allowed that. Girls are hormonal before, during and after. I have adenomyosis fueled by estrogen, so my on/off switch gets a little more dramatic. Anyway, I had a hard terrible day fueled by a bunch of annoyances and disappointments. It started with having no Rockstar in the fridge and trying to get one at the corner store where there was no regular flavored. Then I found out a bonded pair of small dogs I put in an adoption application for came with expensive medical problems. I’ve never had sick pets. Like chronically ill, though one did struggle to gain weight but he never needed a vet’s remedy.
So, it was a dog with chronic nightmares, was overprotective of her son who wouldn’t like my cat, and threw up every single day… Who was probably also going to have very expensive medical bills. Because I live on Social Security and I don’t know when I’ll be well enough to get a job and if I had more space and more money maybe I could have taken care of them, but they didn’t fit into my life. That made me very sad to admit.
I felt awful, then Mom and I went to the shelter where I had adopted my cat back in 2017. He died last year. One of the small dogs that I had been looking at wasn’t even there. So many of the dogs were too big or too loud. Only one of the dogs would actually sit on command which meant that most of these dogs had been ill-trained. The place was overflowing with pit bulls and German Shepherds which are some of the most vicious dogs if trained incorrectly or not at all. (just a side note would you please keep your damn dog in your yard?! when my dog lived outside she would have dogs coming in to try and freaking attack her in my yard because those assholes keep them loose! But don’t worry my dog kicked a lot of ass and if I were evil I could have made her a dog fighter)
I have not had a dog since my Spud died in 2016. I’ll never have another like her. I don’t have anyone to be around and I just wanted one of those Companion Pets. Even my knock-off Tamagotchi battery died.
The place was closing and we only got to see a few cats before we were kicked out. Even worse my mom forgot my metal water bottle.
It turns out the gates were locked and we had to go meet our Uber across the large parking lot.
A car parked behind him actually had a woman come up to Mom and I asking if we worked at the shelter. She said she had her dead dog in the car and wanted to you know where to take it. They don’t take dead dogs I say. Then she asked me what I do with it I say bury it or cremate it. I was dumbfounded at her.
I saw two dogs that looked like my dog when she was older. It was so strange to see her alive when I knew it wasn’t her though.
When we got home, filled with disappointment, I went to lie down and cried to myself.
No new pets/family members acquired and everything increasingly became overwhelming and by 8PM, I was all negativity. Even little things add up when pebbles become just as heavy as boulders.
One of the things I wanted to celebrate was indeed that I cleaned my room. Well it took 9 months after my resolution and I’ve complained and stated I would try harder to clean and organize. I did it!
I still do not have furniture or shelves so nonessential items such as toys, collectibles, unfitting clothes or already read books were packed. I have clean, essential, and athletic clothes in suitcases I can easily reach into. I have buckets and baskets of assorted things I need. At least as a writer. And Wiccan. And only a few craft things in this room. I’d battled what I really needed and I finally admitted that I can’t do everything I want to at once and of course I’m so easily distracted. It’s already helping me keep to one project at a time.
It had been a while since I became overwhelmed liked that.
Yet my room wasn’t even a reflection of the internal chaos anymore. And I figure… that means I can deal with this too.