A Mask😷

You see this visage of happiness

you will try to take it away

I began to wear a scowl

A frown

A glower

So the world initiates taunts

Formulating cheesy grins in the hallways

I hide behind this Blank Stare

this blank glare you all presume is that sadness you desired to see me in

You just try to make me sadder

thinking you already accomplished this

My Euphoria is at home

With beings I keep safe from you

Love from my family that you don’t receive

Talents I don’t share in public

The endless laughs

I go to sleep warm with a smile

I wake up

And place the frown back on

You cannot steal what isn’t visible

I don’t feel sorry for you

I don’t feel sorry for me

I know I possess more than you ever will

because I don’t poach the benevolence of the world to corrupt it

(This looks blue in real life)

Dead Infinity

Banned

Nothing

Ready

Crawl to misguided

Absent

Oblivion

Prepared

Drag behind lies

Rejected

Devoid

Creep through defamation

Take

Regenerate

Worth

Flourish

Value

Witnessing nothing but inaccuracies

So exhausting I can’t be there

When these blood touches your outsides, you won’t see anymore

Nor love, lust, hatred, warmth, frost, thirst, or hunger

Those things don’t accomplish what you departed with

Taste of clouds

Written with a torch of your fingernails

Whisper to me your rejoinder

And I’ll scream a reprieve

I’ll light a candle

With unborn ashes

That were once flesh colored

Judgment

A change of pace

There was this giant moth outside our backdoor yesterday afternoon. It’s the size of a bird.

I looked it up and it appears to be a Black Witch Moth…

I’ve never seen such a huge insect before.  Mom thought it was a bird fluttering about until she saw,  nope, it’s a moth.

I was actually supposed to be somewhere else. I never would’ve seen it if I’d not been vomiting yesterday morning.

There apparently very common but I’ve never seen one before.

Today while sitting in my yard,  I saw 1, then 2, then so many caterpillars. These yellow green ones,  then tiny green ones which were more difficult to spot.

My phone overheated outside, so I got my digital camera.

Then I saw it, the biggest Caterpillar ever! As big as my finger.

They are White Lined Sphinx moth larvae. I had my cat outside with me on a leash (she wasn’t cooperating). I forgot about her as I became obsessed with the bugs. Don’t worry, she was fine eating grass, as well as staring at the street and birds. I saw a small brown spider as well.

It reminded me why I loved yard work. No, really. When my back wasn’t a mess I loved digging, chopping, pulling, I’d Get scratched up and covered with dirt. Great times.

I like nature. Earlier I felt the sun on top of my feet, it was amazing. That’s why I wanted to go outside when I returned home.

Life was perfect in that moment. Insects. Weeds. Sunlight. Cat. Grass. Maybe bring a few inside for a little while. It felt like I was a little kid and all I could think was: I can’t wait to show my mom this giant caterpillar!

The exterior is supposedly 33 but on the inside I have not aged past 5.

Sequin teen, Nostalgia queen

When I saw my new neurology Specialist last week, she gave me a trial run of some other muscle relaxants that I have tried before and it made me extremely tired. She was unwilling to restart me on my baclofen because I had already been through withdrawals. She was actually pretty nice to me and we went through everything I had already tried and everything I was currently doing to prevent and treat my chronic migraines. This is actually the first provider who even asked if I tried CBD and I explained I seem to need more than the average person. I didn’t use the muscle relaxants for the first few days then my muscle spasms returned.

I had a few days of really bad pain and I was stuck in bed. Then I actually started working out on a ball later that same night trying to strengthen up my abdominal muscles to hold up my weak back. I now feel my abs deep under my fat. They’re activating!

I felt like a log. Most days I Have to tell myself out loud to just get up. I was using my weights and kept thinking of all the strength I could potentially gain which isn’t a tremendous amount because even when I was super fit i wasn’t that strong but it’s more than I have now.

I had blocked the number from my old clinic and I got a voicemail because unfortunately blocking doesn’t block someone from leaving a voicemail. Apparently my former crud covered provider wants me to come and be seen by her! That was when I finally did it, something I have not done even though I’ve been so thoroughly mistreated by El Rio. From being given a heat stroke when I was severely anemic to being turned away for a medical emergency in the middle of a pandemic. Providers canceling with short notice, or not running the tests I asked them to, no results ever given and then my long-term medication being cut off. I was going to let it go. I really was until that voicemail just made my heart race so much I couldn’t believe that I was being treated like this again. They reminded me of the shitty service I received when I just wanted a new provider at a new place and never think of El Rio again! She already put me through literal physical torture of my body when it didn’t have the medication anymore and she thinks a few weeks later she supposed to see me for… what?!

Honestly I’ve been too tired to feel. Just no emotions all because I only feel lethargy and pain. So even though I had my resolve to leave that clinic I made a complaint with my insurance about this providers action. It probably won’t do anything but I just want it on record what a cunt this woman is. If she did this to me so very easily there’s probably some other person she has wronged.

So that was this week but last week I had a few good days of thrifting. I started reading my favorite series as a teen and even though I see the flaws in it now I really want those outfits that the characters are wearing. So as well as trying to find suitcases to pack up my already already existing mountain of clothes, I was searching for early 2000s era club outfits. Well I found out how itchy some sequin shirts really are I couldn’t find More drape neck tops or items that would actually fit me. I even saw some boots that look like Nancy’s from The Craft but they didn’t fit me–my calves were too fat.

So that created new piles of clothes, books, DVDs, blankets and suitcases to fill the house. I buy Exercise DVDs wherever I find them cuz I’m so sure that I can get back into it. Yet everyday when I look at it and I feel that horrible pain in my back or my head and I’m frustrated with my body for not cooperating in my quest to become healthier.

After trying a few diets years ago to lessen my pain I finally figured out I should try an anti-inflammatory diet. At first I was just looking for food that can boost my immunity since I fight chronic allergies and constant infections, I found out that I should have been trying this the whole time. So I’m doing research and getting books about this kind of diet so I can try it. I already cut down my salt because of my hypertension and soda because of the type two diabetes that runs in my family. My mom and I are actually the lucky ones despite how many gallons of soda we used to drink everyday.

Maybe I just got on a shopping high. I keep reading about the cute outfits and how glamorous the characters are. I know I’m fat I don’t wear makeup or bother with my hair anymore but it is fun to imagine I could look like that quote unquote sexy beautiful goddess in the book.

I remember being more stable and grownup when I was a teen. Or maybe my days are just so foggy I have a big fog over all my twenties and still am in my teens.

That’s as much as I should do because I’m reading in bed between sedative induced daytime naps. Or rather rereading actually because I read these years ago. I have trouble remembering I’m not a teenager anymore. I Actually cried once when I was 17 (before my health deteriorated) and then after being 21 and heavily medicated, I cried all the time. Recently I started wondering if all the medication stunted my emotional growth and made me this immature irrational brat with emotional outbursts in front of people. I put up with being bullied (from students, neighbors, and teachers) and quietly accepted it, but as a grownup I just can’t take it when someone says/does something I disagree with or blatantly insults me. Could all the overmedication actually have made me go through puberty in my twenties and I can never get out of it?

Relax

Do you validate? My feelings? My humanity?

So I just didn’t sleep well, because I was itchy and my head started hurting a little bit. But it’s been a normal day. I have been frustrated at the last week of my life.

I started taking Emgality which is a syringe and Pen that is to be injected under the skin with a giant needle once a month. My last needle unfortunately did not work and so the next Monday I called and was put in touch with the manufacturer who agreed to give me $800 medication voucher so I could have a new replacement. Yet ALL week someone keeps on telling me something different that they didn’t get a voucher that you’re too early for a refill that it went to my doctors office… this is ALL incorrect. Because all week It was me having a voucher from the manufacturer who agreed to give me replacement medication but has not been fulfilled by this stupid pharmacy! So I have had these migraines and that’s going to be on this company for not giving me my medication when it was covered by the manufacturer.

So tomorrow I have to call again and try to find someone in charge of this horrid organization to try and get my medication. Seriously all week I just been like a log and not able to do much. I feel tired, I feel achy, I just have a fuzzy head and I just can’t move around very much.

My CBD wasn’t shipped out either so I have an unfortunate run of bad luck this week.

The only thing I did get to do is have my final teeth cleaning and my last filling by my dentist who is quitting his practice. They told me I did a good job of flossing and brushing though so my teeth weren’t very dirty.

It’s been raining a lot. Animals just lay around the humid corridors of this dungeon. The rain has been so nice. It’s such a contrast from the mountain on fire last year that burned for weeks. Now weeds sprout And explode ravenously in the front yard like an abandoned meadow. I swear I’d lose the rabbit in it. It’s a jungle for her.

So the bright side… maybe the neurology specialist has a sample or something else.

I’ve been Reading. Just zoning out in the pages. There’s been no withdrawal symptoms. My feet stopped sweating. I stopped shaking but my muscles are back to their super tense self. Once a friend tried to hug me and it was like holding a statue as my muscles are all rigid. I’m learning the definition of “Relax”.

Droplet

Awaiting replacements

To ease this ache

Their story keeps changing

I remain stable

No one seems to hear me

The misery appears

Eye

Through

A

Storm

Wading through

These weeds

Evaporate

Soil moisture is the problem

Draining negativity

Whispering to her and

Agitating the same fate

Rustling through sickness and was always felt

Yesterday I ushered the whole country

Today the scorched wood commiserates

We emerge from the earth

Sprouts erupted with rain

Fragile glass

Trickles down my face

An eternal embrace

Of blood

And the twinkle in my eyes

As I sob

Detox

I’m just going to explain this very briefly because I just don’t want to think about it anymore.

My last provider abruptly refused to give me my baclofen which is a muscle relaxer. I have been taking these for the last two years and so when my body experienced the loss of this medication it was accustomed to I have been detoxing for the past 5 days. I had a massive migraine which I talked about before. I then had some more migraines, immense nausea, shaky limbs sweaty hands and feet. I was freezing in Arizona and I was not sleeping much. I have so much nausea but luckily for me I didn’t throw up (half a mouthful) so I just couldn’t eat very much. Not quite like what I got with my history of vomiting migraine. Early Saturday morning my muscles all spasming and twitching. It was like it was some kind of bug invasion all over my muscles. These Are all very normal detox symptoms. I have not had any mental side effects. I have been very aware of how tired and how hungry I am. I’ve always been a person who always got really irritable when I didn’t eat or sleep anyway

A few days ago I started using isochronic tones for detox and a lot for because my body had no ability to do so on its own. I also started using some ashwagandha and magnesium supplements. My research stated these are supposed to alleviate these kind of symptoms. I’ve also been drinking a lot more water. I just drink a lot of water but I I’m trying to get up to that healthy gallon or half my body weight in ounces.

Sunday, something great happened. I finally had a full night’s rest! My feet are still clammy and I’m a bit cold but it is kind of overcast outside so maybe I can excuse that but it may still be a detox symptoms. I had a full meal I’ve only been eating little pieces of meals basically.

What kind of Provider does this to someone?! A muscle relaxer that is something that Needs to be tapered down.

Over the past few weeks I have had not quite Revelations but more like they were things I was procrastinating about. I wanted to get better … like all the way. I have been wanting to get off medication. I wanted to try exercising and trying to build up to where I am strong enough and I wanted to get into more healthy food.

I did not want to be so angry at everyone who has wronged me. I have a right to be angry but It takes so much energy being angry at all the people who didn’t believe me that I was genuinely not feeling well. And they dont care about me. I was so angry at people thinking I was a hypochondriac or that I just wanted drugs when they were the ones you threw drugs at me I didn’t even have to ask.

I’ve been angry at people in my own life even though I haven’t even seen them in a long time. So then I decided I was just going to give it up. I was going to let go of my anger, dismiss it, and release it out into the cosmos, space, the vast, ether, the universe can handle whatever karmic past human suffering they want or need. One person who I wasn’t quite sure if it was forgiveness or just letting the Universe pick up ability to forgive someone who already hated themselves so much it wasn’t even worth me hating them as much as they already did that to themselves.

I didn’t deserve this but I don’t deserve to feel like or be a victim anymore. I don’t even want to call myself for Survivor I just want to call myself a person, and all that stuff all those bad things it is already over, why am I living back there?! I’d rather not be known for that. I want to be here now and my journey to recover and get past my own physical and emotional pain.

First of all I know I need to find a legitimate primary care provider who actually listens to me and cares about my health issues. I know I need to then ease into healthier eating as well as light exercise. It’s sad when I’m nauseous I can only nibble toast. I’ve had all these writing ideas and I finally just going to do it just write and not care if anyone else is reading it and then go through and edit later, not be afraid of the first draft of imperfection. I keep starting and keep being sidetracked.

I am trying a TENS unit for my back And neck pain. I don’t want to be on meds anymore. I already ingest much spice to help my pain. It definitely works for the adenomyosis. I’ve had success lightening and regulating my periods while eliminating pain with homeopathy. It messed up when I got lazy with routine. I’ve had a few worth for my migraine when i didn’t have meds or tried instead of them. I dislike when people crap all over alternative medicine when I was forced onto prescriptions that I hated. Most people turn to it because of terrible American healthcare. I used to use CBD and while it did help me take less of my meds,  I’d probably have to take more and the good stuff is pretty expensive.

I don’t want to be that person, the one who suffered or the one who thinks about all the time I lost to pain, side effects, or any horrible people I encountered on that ill fated journey. I am here now. I’m going to figure it out.

The following are my goals for the next 3 years: Get braces,  buy a car, travel to London.  So, in between I have to get healthy,  hope the pandemic is gone before my passport expires, and get more money for all of that.

P.S.

… but if I should have some psychotic symptoms and go on a rampage because a 70 year old cunt refused me a refill, please file a complaint against Cheryl Webb NP of El Rio in  Tucson, Arizona (that’s the last negative comment this semester.  Thank you).